Alternatively, 'Crushing Dreams and Betting on Myself'
And then the past three and a half weeks happened.
I was holding onto the job offer from my current boss as a backup plan, as one does when they're applying for jobs for the first time. You have that safety, that 'if I suck and can't get a job, well at least I can come back to so and so'. In my own job process, I had such a job. It was a materials position. I never really wanted it, I more just liked having something as a glimmer of hope, something so when people asked how the search was going I could say, well I have this offer, but we'll see. But as any good drama goes, my backup plan met its decision deadline before I had any better prospects. And so I turned it down. I cried a little and prayed a little, but I had great faith in myself that something better would come along. And ultimately something did. It wasn't perfect, but it was nothing to ignore. It was way more than I expected to make out of school, it was with a manager I knew from my internship and worked well with, and it was related to my major. The catch? The location. The place I said I'd never move back to. But I was in a bind. It was the March following my December graduation and it was way past time for me to get a job. I had applied over 20 times to different jobs over different companies. In an honest miracle, nothing came back. And then there was the day. I was on my pacific coast road trip during my solo part. I had just checked into my hotel room and was busying myself on my computer, my phone as usual left discarded on the bed. For whatever reason, I had left it on ring. As I was doing whatever I was doing, I heard it chime for a text. Who's texting me I thought, seeing as I really don't text. I went over to see it was from my old boss, asking if I was still looking because he had an opening. It suddenly flushed over me that this was where I would be going. Back to Texas, taking a job I said I wouldn't. I cried a very ugly and long cry alone in my hotel room. I sound so spoiled. On average, 100 people apply to each position at my work. Yes, most people apply for more than one position, and some people apply that are completely unqualified. But still. I always feel guilty for saying, oh I didn't really want it, when I go to work every day knowing how many people would love to do what I do every day. And God was faithful. I love my job, I love my coworkers, and I despise Texas.
Long backstory aside, I was seeing shades of this previous experience more and more as I sat in the limbo of being chosen for a job that I didn't really want, but liked to have as a backup if my hoped move fell through. I was holding on, even asking for an extension, because I was trying so hard to convince myself that I would stay. I could do a year. I would make it work. It was all fun and games until the last straw broke the camel's back. My boss came up to me and let me know that I would have to move and sit with the new program's group because my back fill would be starting in two weeks. I have to admit, I'm not sure why I thought it was so funny, but I spent much of the next hour cracking up. Mostly in shock of my life, but with ever increasing guilt. Though I had not accepted a new position, I'm being pushed out of mine and there's only one place to go- the new program.
Though she was not intentionally making me feel guilty, I have a good relationship with my boss and she was talking a lot to me about the stress she has and how she really needs her team plused up and how they're just trying to get through right now. She talked about how much they need help. Her and my senior manager's frequent visits to my cube let me know that they, as well as I was, were ready for me to just decide already. I had been telling myself to stay strong, to deal with the pressure, to push through. But on Tuesday, I cracked. Driving home, I was sobbing and just spluttering out all the feelings that I could not compose any longer.
I went home and listened to a sermon podcast, read my bible, and laid on my back in the middle of my living room, praying, but mostly just listening. I knew what I had to do, but I didn't know if I could do it. I felt so stuck. I don't want this job because I don't want to stay here a year. I've done my time, I've done everything in the past year and few months so I could leave. I've gotten over halfway though my mater's. I've worked hard. I've stayed a little over a year so I could move as a two. I did my school online so I could move before I graduated. I've been going month to month on my lease since January. I've positioned so many things in my life to allow me to move. I've planned on this since before I even came. I couldn't back out on myself now. I needed to move early career, it was never going to be a better time.
But who turns down a promotion? I felt so greedy and glutinous looking at this incredible opportunity- a two, with a boss who has and will invest with me, on a program team I love, a high profile program that will get me visibility from higher ups and valuable experience. It was my fist promotion offer. My first ever. A day that I had been so excited for, a goal that I had held as so important. It was something I had dreamed about and worked for. But I had known from the beginning, and most clearly from when I had left my 'interview'. It just wasn't right. "I just can't do it" continued to play though my mind. It's crazy. It's insane. It's ballsy. Everyone thinks they know I'm taking a promotion and going to this program. Everyone thinks I'm leaving. And what are they going to do with me? They've already back filled me. My facade would be completely destroyed- they'd know I was just in it until I can move. I knew they would handle it well, but still it was insane. "I just can't do it".
I knew I had to turn it down. I played in my mind how I would say it. I would show gratitude and thank them for extending it, and say I knew it was a great opportunity. I would say I am not able to stay a year. I would offer myself to go or stay or do whatever they wanted me to do. My heart ached with the decision. One final check, I called my parents to ensure I wasn't getting so wrapped up in my mind that I made a poor move. They completely agreed. It took about five seconds after hanging up before I completely dissolved into heavy sobs. It was the kind of cry you have once or twice a year. The one that goes on and on, a mix of impassioned words and just agony. I got it out. I got it all out. I washed off my face, and I went to bed. I couldn't fall asleep, but I also knew I had made my decision.
It went well enough with my manger. She's not vocal, but she said her usual okay, I could sense her disappointment. But she was not mad. She did not treat me any differently. My senior manager quite surprised me when he said he completely understood. They were both supportive. Surely disappointed, but handled it well.
And as it turns out, we're on a moving train with this program that can't be stopped. As of my staff meeting, I am still moving, I am still going to the new program. Though I have forsaken my promotion, it is where I must go, and where I happily will. There's no security, and that scares me a little. It's ballsy.
But I'm betting on myself, I keep telling myself. I'm having faith in myself, faith that I have the goods to make this happen. It's not the safe move, but I trust God, I trust my gut, and I trust myself to get the job I so desire. I have faith in myself. It's not the safest bet, but I have to trust myself, trust my God. The battle is already won, the plans have already been set forth. And it will be okay. Though my heart aches every once in a while, because I know the path forward is so unknown- I don't know what my job will be in three weeks, and I don't know when or if I'll get an offer- I know my God is in control.