My skin is prickling, my anxiety is at an all time high.
I hear my neighbors walk up their staircase next door and my heart starts to race, I must walk over to make sure they're not actually in my apartment. I hear a creak in the floor and I inhale quickly and stand paralyzed, listening for more noise. I hear the inaudible sound of a voice through the wall and my heart starts beating quickly in fear.
There's part of me that knows I go through phases of everything, and the coupling of never hearing my neighbors before to now hearing them constantly is simply throwing me off. Add to that the presence of a mouse in my house, and you can see why the walls are feeling a little like they're caving in.
I'm feeling lonely in a way I never really have before. I like to keep to myself and I like my alone time. Couple on that that I'm in school full time on top of working full time right now. Add that to my one and only sister who is a year older than me getting married. Don't forget that my body is stuck in a permanent swollen face allergic reaction that wears on my emotions and keeps getting me stuck on my life.
I have no friends, I'm a loner and I don't want anyone to know. This is not fully true you see. Each week I spend a full work week with my coworkers, sometimes going out to lunch. On Tuesdays I meet my friend in Dallas for dinner and church. Wednesdays I count and chat with the security guard at church. Thursdays I play tennis with a somewhat rotating group of peers. On the weekends I usually meet up with my friend who I see on Tuesdays. On Sundays I go to a bible class and have some conversation with the people there. It's not a ton, but it's enough. I devote about 20 hours a week to school so when you add it all up, I get out enough. I skype my parents every week, I talk to my sister frequently. The only problem is my lack of young people in my life.
The biggest lie I keep telling myself is that once I fix x, y, and z in my life, then I'll find a man. Once I fix myself then I will find my man and not have terrible anxiety about being single anymore. I've been single for about 3 years now. And even as I write that I want to put an asterisk and quickly explain I've been okay with about 2 years of it and that It's not actually 3 years yet and that I don't want to be dating someone and it's all fine. But the fact that I need to defend the statement tells you that I'm not okay with it. It also tells you that I have extreme anxiety about being alone and think a man is going to solve my problems. If I had a man I would feel better about being in my apartment. If I had a man I would be more confident and get out more. If I had a man I wouldn't feel insecure about my relationship status. The last one at least is true. I fear I've thought so much about dating again that I've ruined it for when it finally gets here.
I know I haven't made friends. For about 6 months I've been putting off going to a small group for young singles at my church. Why? Because social anxiety. And I don't like how it fits in my schedule. And I don't want to make friends and start all over with a new group of people. Really, no reason. I am incredibly stubborn sometimes, which wraps it all up. Life is just hitting me in the jugular right now.
In an ironicly failing moment of courage, I told myself to stop thinking of what I think my #1 sin problem is and instead go down the list to #2 and address that one. And guess what it was? That I'm not in community and therefore not living how God has called me to and am keeping joy from myself. Apparently I need to go down a few more spots on the list because this notion has just about ruined me.
I've never had anxiety, but sometimes I get nervous to just leave my apartment. Sometimes I'm about to go to church and I just panic and try to think of a way out because I just don't want to leave. But I don't want to stay because then I feel so alone in my perfect box.
I don't know if other people feel this, but I've had this feeling that nothing can satisfy the hole. And I know it's the "hole that only Jesus can fill" and I'm trying to say that as seriously as possible, because I know it's true and I know if we went to #3 it's that I don't prioritize my faith and time with God like I should. I'm great at the actions. Heck, I am in a church building 4 days a week. But is it bad that every single time I enter the building I feel guilty? The correct answer is yes, Christina. You feel guilty because you don't read your bible and you pray but you don't listen. And you focus on the world and you are of the world and for the world and the world just isn't doing it for you.
I have my escapes and they're not satisfying. I have my excuses and they're not doing it for me. But my stubbornness remains and I just keep keeping myself miserable because it's easier than actually doing something about it. That's a lie, but tell my brain that. I know God is pushing me but I'm not going with it. And I need to because this is not working. And I have been called to live life to its fullest and need to stop denying that to my anxious self. Lord be with me.
I hear my neighbors walk up their staircase next door and my heart starts to race, I must walk over to make sure they're not actually in my apartment. I hear a creak in the floor and I inhale quickly and stand paralyzed, listening for more noise. I hear the inaudible sound of a voice through the wall and my heart starts beating quickly in fear.
There's part of me that knows I go through phases of everything, and the coupling of never hearing my neighbors before to now hearing them constantly is simply throwing me off. Add to that the presence of a mouse in my house, and you can see why the walls are feeling a little like they're caving in.
I'm feeling lonely in a way I never really have before. I like to keep to myself and I like my alone time. Couple on that that I'm in school full time on top of working full time right now. Add that to my one and only sister who is a year older than me getting married. Don't forget that my body is stuck in a permanent swollen face allergic reaction that wears on my emotions and keeps getting me stuck on my life.
I have no friends, I'm a loner and I don't want anyone to know. This is not fully true you see. Each week I spend a full work week with my coworkers, sometimes going out to lunch. On Tuesdays I meet my friend in Dallas for dinner and church. Wednesdays I count and chat with the security guard at church. Thursdays I play tennis with a somewhat rotating group of peers. On the weekends I usually meet up with my friend who I see on Tuesdays. On Sundays I go to a bible class and have some conversation with the people there. It's not a ton, but it's enough. I devote about 20 hours a week to school so when you add it all up, I get out enough. I skype my parents every week, I talk to my sister frequently. The only problem is my lack of young people in my life.
The biggest lie I keep telling myself is that once I fix x, y, and z in my life, then I'll find a man. Once I fix myself then I will find my man and not have terrible anxiety about being single anymore. I've been single for about 3 years now. And even as I write that I want to put an asterisk and quickly explain I've been okay with about 2 years of it and that It's not actually 3 years yet and that I don't want to be dating someone and it's all fine. But the fact that I need to defend the statement tells you that I'm not okay with it. It also tells you that I have extreme anxiety about being alone and think a man is going to solve my problems. If I had a man I would feel better about being in my apartment. If I had a man I would be more confident and get out more. If I had a man I wouldn't feel insecure about my relationship status. The last one at least is true. I fear I've thought so much about dating again that I've ruined it for when it finally gets here.
I know I haven't made friends. For about 6 months I've been putting off going to a small group for young singles at my church. Why? Because social anxiety. And I don't like how it fits in my schedule. And I don't want to make friends and start all over with a new group of people. Really, no reason. I am incredibly stubborn sometimes, which wraps it all up. Life is just hitting me in the jugular right now.
In an ironicly failing moment of courage, I told myself to stop thinking of what I think my #1 sin problem is and instead go down the list to #2 and address that one. And guess what it was? That I'm not in community and therefore not living how God has called me to and am keeping joy from myself. Apparently I need to go down a few more spots on the list because this notion has just about ruined me.
I've never had anxiety, but sometimes I get nervous to just leave my apartment. Sometimes I'm about to go to church and I just panic and try to think of a way out because I just don't want to leave. But I don't want to stay because then I feel so alone in my perfect box.
I don't know if other people feel this, but I've had this feeling that nothing can satisfy the hole. And I know it's the "hole that only Jesus can fill" and I'm trying to say that as seriously as possible, because I know it's true and I know if we went to #3 it's that I don't prioritize my faith and time with God like I should. I'm great at the actions. Heck, I am in a church building 4 days a week. But is it bad that every single time I enter the building I feel guilty? The correct answer is yes, Christina. You feel guilty because you don't read your bible and you pray but you don't listen. And you focus on the world and you are of the world and for the world and the world just isn't doing it for you.
I have my escapes and they're not satisfying. I have my excuses and they're not doing it for me. But my stubbornness remains and I just keep keeping myself miserable because it's easier than actually doing something about it. That's a lie, but tell my brain that. I know God is pushing me but I'm not going with it. And I need to because this is not working. And I have been called to live life to its fullest and need to stop denying that to my anxious self. Lord be with me.