My emotions collide in a seamless mess of confusion. There is indifference, mixed with emotions that I can hardly put to words they are so strong. When in doubt, and even fear of sadness, my heart decides on anger. This life. This life that I wanted. This life that when we went separate ways he had always said he didn't want, I had always said I did. The dreams that I had envisioned so clearly I was now seeing come to pictorial life for him. The only catch? That wasn't me. Sure, she looks very similar. I saw my dream that I had held for two years come to fruition- but I wasn't there. It's because although I have moved on, I have thanked God over and over that that is not my life, my hear aches seeing this unfold. |
I cannot emphasize enough that praise God I did not get what I thought I deserve. God in his perfect love saved me from what I thought I wanted. Praise God that I was able to get out when I did. Praise God that it was against my will and for the struggle that ultimately lead to the best change my adult life has seen.
Dreams are funny though. It's like the five year old part of me that thought I wanted to be a teacher- and from time to time I still wonder if I hold this dream. This dream was so real to me though. I thought my life was pointed for our outcome. I would fall asleep at night picturing how the festivities would look- how it would feel. How great it would be that four years later, we had defied the odds and made it here. I lost myself so much in that relationship. I lost who I was, my pride, my self respect, my ability to want more for myself.
Yet from time to time I cannot forget how it felt to be held, to be understood by him. I cannot forget the good moments, the kisses, the talk about 'I wish we could just be married already' and the 'you're worth the wait' and all the good moments. Although I know these were heavily eclipsed by the uglier sides to the whole thing, my heart still feels echos of the pangs of when I loved him. When he was everything to me.
Exactly two years and four months before his 'best day' was our last day. If I am honest, I didn't wrap up my feelings on the whole break up until January of this year. I never dealt with the breakup. I swept it under the rug, dismissed my feelings, numbed myself to the pain I knew I needed to endure to finish out and fully reconcile myself to my life alone. I had to forgive myself for what was, to examine and trust myself that such things will happen differently the next time around.
A part of me feels like a casualty on the way to this. A huge part of me is bitter. I waited for two years. He told me repeatedly he didn't want to get married, he wasn't sure, he didn't know if he wanted that life. And I stood by him for two years. And then just one day out of the blue after he tells me he doesn't want to date for a long, long time she can just sweep in? Within just over a year she has the ring? In under two they're married? My heart is full of such bitterness. I waited for him. I endured the harder points. I am the one who saved him from making further mistakes in college, I'm the one who endured the angry, mourning, immature version just so she could sweep in right when he's ready and have her perfect ending? It's not fair. And as silly as this sounds, I feel cheated. I feel cheated because I see so much of myself in her yet am so bitter that I, who wanted this exact life have been so seamlessly replaced by what appears to be a very similar copy.
It is so easy in this anger to forget I did not want that life. Because for so long it's what I had always pictured for myself. And while I am not jealous of her, while I thank God for my life, my heart swells with feelings I can't put into words.
I am allowing myself to still resent him, to be bitter of what I allowed myself to go through instead of just ending it. I think in a way I'm really just angry at myself. Because in a weird way, he won and I didn't. He got the dream and I'm still lost and finding my way. I know this is not true. But my heart aches with the bitterness. I am so confused by the pictures I see, that I thought I would be part of. But thank God that life isn't fair.
Dreams are funny though. It's like the five year old part of me that thought I wanted to be a teacher- and from time to time I still wonder if I hold this dream. This dream was so real to me though. I thought my life was pointed for our outcome. I would fall asleep at night picturing how the festivities would look- how it would feel. How great it would be that four years later, we had defied the odds and made it here. I lost myself so much in that relationship. I lost who I was, my pride, my self respect, my ability to want more for myself.
Yet from time to time I cannot forget how it felt to be held, to be understood by him. I cannot forget the good moments, the kisses, the talk about 'I wish we could just be married already' and the 'you're worth the wait' and all the good moments. Although I know these were heavily eclipsed by the uglier sides to the whole thing, my heart still feels echos of the pangs of when I loved him. When he was everything to me.
Exactly two years and four months before his 'best day' was our last day. If I am honest, I didn't wrap up my feelings on the whole break up until January of this year. I never dealt with the breakup. I swept it under the rug, dismissed my feelings, numbed myself to the pain I knew I needed to endure to finish out and fully reconcile myself to my life alone. I had to forgive myself for what was, to examine and trust myself that such things will happen differently the next time around.
A part of me feels like a casualty on the way to this. A huge part of me is bitter. I waited for two years. He told me repeatedly he didn't want to get married, he wasn't sure, he didn't know if he wanted that life. And I stood by him for two years. And then just one day out of the blue after he tells me he doesn't want to date for a long, long time she can just sweep in? Within just over a year she has the ring? In under two they're married? My heart is full of such bitterness. I waited for him. I endured the harder points. I am the one who saved him from making further mistakes in college, I'm the one who endured the angry, mourning, immature version just so she could sweep in right when he's ready and have her perfect ending? It's not fair. And as silly as this sounds, I feel cheated. I feel cheated because I see so much of myself in her yet am so bitter that I, who wanted this exact life have been so seamlessly replaced by what appears to be a very similar copy.
It is so easy in this anger to forget I did not want that life. Because for so long it's what I had always pictured for myself. And while I am not jealous of her, while I thank God for my life, my heart swells with feelings I can't put into words.
I am allowing myself to still resent him, to be bitter of what I allowed myself to go through instead of just ending it. I think in a way I'm really just angry at myself. Because in a weird way, he won and I didn't. He got the dream and I'm still lost and finding my way. I know this is not true. But my heart aches with the bitterness. I am so confused by the pictures I see, that I thought I would be part of. But thank God that life isn't fair.