Sometimes I think I miss you. Some days I cringe and wonder how I let things go how they did, other days I miss the smiles, laughs, cuddles, and reassurances. Yesterday Facebook alerted me that we had become Facebook friends exactly four years ago, and I let out a heavy sigh realizing since that day, we had dated half the days we have Facebook known each other.
Breaking up after a two year relationship was no walk in the park. There was a lot of pain. But I think the most painful part for me has been that I never truly dealt with the breakup. I never let myself cry. I jumped right into dating another guy to distract myself. I just wanted to be fine, I wanted to pretend nothing had happened and move on as quickly as possible. Most girls after breakups cry a lot, eat a lot of junk food, and talk a lot about it with their friends. I didn't talk to anyone. I essentially didn't eat for two weeks. I lost ten pounds, I did not cry, I kept myself incredibly busy and incredibly secluded because every time it was brought up I would start crying.
What I've realized most is I didn't want him. i really didn't. I honestly and truly had been ready to break up with him for almost an entire year. I didn't see how it would work. I truly knew it wouldn't. But a tricky thing happened that I am still untangling from. I made it my dream in life to be a young wife. My dream was to move with him and the Air Force, to get married young, to have that picture perfect high school sweetheart run away with my husband life. That's what I wanted. I didn't want him. By the time we broke up, I truly didn't know him. But I wanted that dream so incredibly badly, I was willing to deal with it. I was willing to ignore the blaring obvious issues we had because I wanted the dream. I wanted that life that was never mine.
And so when we broke up, though it was painful to lose him for who he was, it was painful to lose my deepest secrets with him, painful to lose the trust I had, the most painful part was losing the life that I had made ultimate for myself. I lost my dream that day, and knew in that breakup that my life would be completely different. I didn't want to have an ex. I didn't want to deal with it. So I didn't.
And so still to this day, I deal with it as it comes, though as embarrassing as that is with how much time has passed.
But now there is a new and more painful twist to the story. The life I always wanted- the married young and run away together could be a possibility for him once more. While I wait around single, jobless, and completely confused 21 year old, he has a serious girlfriend again. He has his assignment with the Air Force. His life is ready to go, fitting together perfectly. All I have ever wanted.
Instead I live the dream but in my own way. I am graduating early, and moving to a new city by myself. I am starting a new life for myself, by myself. And I am hoping that along the way, someone will join me in my adventure.
I miss him for what we had when things were good. Mostly, I miss the companionship, the reassurance, the not being single and wondering when and were I will meet that person. I hate not knowing, I hate the being alone. I hate him for living the life I thought we would live together with someone else. My heart is tired of so many unknowns, and this has been the final straw.
I discount God's perfect timing in me finding my spouse. I discount the perfect person He has waiting for me, and the perfect job and life. Instead I find myself stressed, upset even daily because I don't know. I am so fearful for the things I can't control.
Breaking up after a two year relationship was no walk in the park. There was a lot of pain. But I think the most painful part for me has been that I never truly dealt with the breakup. I never let myself cry. I jumped right into dating another guy to distract myself. I just wanted to be fine, I wanted to pretend nothing had happened and move on as quickly as possible. Most girls after breakups cry a lot, eat a lot of junk food, and talk a lot about it with their friends. I didn't talk to anyone. I essentially didn't eat for two weeks. I lost ten pounds, I did not cry, I kept myself incredibly busy and incredibly secluded because every time it was brought up I would start crying.
What I've realized most is I didn't want him. i really didn't. I honestly and truly had been ready to break up with him for almost an entire year. I didn't see how it would work. I truly knew it wouldn't. But a tricky thing happened that I am still untangling from. I made it my dream in life to be a young wife. My dream was to move with him and the Air Force, to get married young, to have that picture perfect high school sweetheart run away with my husband life. That's what I wanted. I didn't want him. By the time we broke up, I truly didn't know him. But I wanted that dream so incredibly badly, I was willing to deal with it. I was willing to ignore the blaring obvious issues we had because I wanted the dream. I wanted that life that was never mine.
And so when we broke up, though it was painful to lose him for who he was, it was painful to lose my deepest secrets with him, painful to lose the trust I had, the most painful part was losing the life that I had made ultimate for myself. I lost my dream that day, and knew in that breakup that my life would be completely different. I didn't want to have an ex. I didn't want to deal with it. So I didn't.
And so still to this day, I deal with it as it comes, though as embarrassing as that is with how much time has passed.
But now there is a new and more painful twist to the story. The life I always wanted- the married young and run away together could be a possibility for him once more. While I wait around single, jobless, and completely confused 21 year old, he has a serious girlfriend again. He has his assignment with the Air Force. His life is ready to go, fitting together perfectly. All I have ever wanted.
Instead I live the dream but in my own way. I am graduating early, and moving to a new city by myself. I am starting a new life for myself, by myself. And I am hoping that along the way, someone will join me in my adventure.
I miss him for what we had when things were good. Mostly, I miss the companionship, the reassurance, the not being single and wondering when and were I will meet that person. I hate not knowing, I hate the being alone. I hate him for living the life I thought we would live together with someone else. My heart is tired of so many unknowns, and this has been the final straw.
I discount God's perfect timing in me finding my spouse. I discount the perfect person He has waiting for me, and the perfect job and life. Instead I find myself stressed, upset even daily because I don't know. I am so fearful for the things I can't control.